Exploring Kinks and Fetishes: What You Need to Know

When you watched Dakota Johnson in 50 Shades of Grey enjoying the various acts of bondage, how did that make you feel? Did you feel disgusted? Or did that make you feel aroused?

Did you try to push those thoughts away? Did you automatically associate them with shame? Did you then push them to the inner recesses of your mind, convinced it was wrong to think about?

Conversations surrounding kinks and fetishes are often conducted in hushed tones, with nervous glances, or in teasing exchanges among friends.

This blog aims to create a space for open dialogue—one that invites questions, conversation, and understanding.

So, let’s talk about it.

Kinks are sexual practices that fall out of the societal norm of sexual behaviour. Anything that is not commonly associated with a ‘normal’ sexual act. However, since there is no simple, straightforward technical definition of a kink, it is largely subjective.

Your social circle, exposure to different media and your sexual history could all contribute to what you think qualifies as a kink.

Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission and Sadism and Masochism (BDSM)

Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission and Sadism and Masochism. Sex that involves acts of dominance, control and bondage is usually termed under BDSM. It could mean a lot of different things. It could range from spanking to dominant/submissive role-playing to blindfolds to handcuffs.

Role-playing

This is pretty much what the term suggests. Creating imaginary scenarios and acting them out, whether elaborately with costumes or simply talking about a fantasy in bed, can all count as role-playing.

Voyeurism

When someone takes pleasure from watching a person take their clothes off or watching a couple have sex without their knowledge, it counts as voyeurism. ‘Without their knowledge’ is the operating keyword here; otherwise, watching porn would also count as voyeurism.

Group sex

Do you know what a GD is? Group sex is pretty much the same concept, but here, nobody is discussing anything, if you know what I mean.

When any sexual activity involves more than two people - threesomes, foursomes, orgies - they all count as group sex.

A fetish could be anything. A body part. An attire. A piece of clothing. An ornament. You can usually tell it’s a fetish if you get aroused by something that is mostly non-sexual and if you need it to be present to experience heightened pleasure. Some common fetishes are feet, high heels, latex, nylon, uniforms, tattoos, piercings and leather.

Fetishes, too, like kinks, can depend on a lot of factors. Your immediate circle, exposure to different kinds of media and your sexual history could all contribute to what you think qualifies as a fetish.

What Is the Difference Between Kink and Fetish?

People use the words ‘kink’ or ‘fetish’ far too liberally these days. When something is too mainstream, the definition may get blurry. Let’s help you figure it out.

A fetish can be best described as a need, while kink is more of a sexual preference.

Let’s say you think someone wearing glasses during sex is arousing; you have a glasses kink. But if it is necessary for you to have someone wear glasses during sex for you to be aroused, then you have a glasses fetish.

Usually, an act or a location is a kink, whereas a body part, material or object is a fetish.

Hopefully, this helps you figure it out!

There is a lot of stigma attached to fetishes and kinks. Anything outside the socially constructed ‘norm’ is looked down upon. Eyebrows are raised. Voices are hushed. And this is exactly why it is important to talk about it.

Society has structured sex to be taboo. Pleasure is a sin. Anything related to pleasure is a sin. It is taboo.

Taboo originates from ignorance. When there is not enough information or enough conversation about something, we begin to treat it as impermissible.

If we want to dispel the taboo, we must start a conversation around it.

People who engage in activities like BDSM also face Stigma in healthcare.

Kinks and fetishes are not something to be ashamed of but simply a way to express yourself and your sexuality.

Especially in a country like India, where talking about sex is still not normalised, kinks and fetishes have been eyed as something that falls outside of social convention. But we need to ask ourselves why something falls outside the bounds of social acceptance. Does it really need to be?

Do you know kinky sex can be quite beneficial for you as well?

A 2017 study by Oregon State University found that having sex before work (the night before or the morning of) made people more involved and effective on the job. Talk about a good night’s sleep!

There is enough research that participating in sexual activities like BDSM can affect the brain in fascinating ways. They can affect your mental state in a way that provides effects similar to meditation or mindfulness.

They alter the blood flow to the brain, creating altered states of consciousness that can have a number of benefits from enhanced cognition, reduced stress, increased focus, reduced neurosis, less rejection sensitivity, a loss of self-consciousness and being more open to new experiences.

When we are unaware of ourselves, we can detach ourselves from the mundane and allow ourselves to be more creative and productive.

Another immense benefit of exploring your kinks is that it improves your communication with your partner. When you talk about safety, comfort, and limits, you are also opening yourself up to other aspects of your relationship, which builds trust and transparency.

When something is not talked about enough, there are bound to be misconceptions and myths surrounding it. Let’s get into it.

There is something wrong with you

It’s a common misconception that there is something wrong with individuals who engage in kinks or fetishes. But practising safe and consensual kink is simply a way of expressing and owning your sexuality.

A 2016 study found that 66% of 1003 participants had a positive impact on their mental health due to their kink sexuality.

So, if you have been looking at the tie and have been having funny thoughts, take this as your sign to go for it. There is nothing wrong with you, you beautiful weirdo!

BDSM is abusive

The media has always vilified BDSM as something that is excess pain and violence. There is a stigma associated with it that makes people associate it with abuse.

There is more than one research to show that people who partake in activities like BDSM experience deep levels of intimacy, trust, and heightened sexual and erotic pleasure.

You need a lot of fancy equipment

Contrary to what you may have seen in movies, you do not need a leather jumpsuit and a whip to dominate. All you need is imagination and a partner who is up for it!

People who engage in kinks have a higher sense of self-worth. Why wouldn’t they? The experience of sex in a space that is safe, consensual and free of judgement could feel euphoric, empowering and extremely liberating.

FAQs

Q. I am scared to try BDSM. Won’t it hurt?

A. You should educate yourself about the risks of course. Understand boundaries and discuss your hard limits. Don’t be shy. If you are starting out, start slow. Simply use a tie or a scarf to spice things up.

Q. Are kinks and fetishes normal?

Yes, kinks and fetishes are a natural part of human sexuality. As long as all parties involved are consenting adults and the activity is safe, there's absolutely nothing wrong with exploring them.

Q. Is it possible to develop a kink or fetish later in life?

Sexual interests can evolve and change at any time. People may discover new aspects of their sexuality at any age.

Q. How can I practise kinks safely?

A. The first and most important thing to consider is consent. Even if you are simply having plain vanilla sex, consent is still important. But it is especially so if you are including any kind of kink. You need to discuss exactly what your partner is comfortable with and the limits to which you can take your play.

Q. What is considered aftercare?

A. While sexual experiences can be incredibly fulfilling and enjoyable, they can also leave us feeling drained emotionally, mentally, and physically. “Aftercare” means the time that you spend caring for yourself and your partner after sex. For some, this might involve cuddling and taking a moment to relax, while others may focus on addressing any minor injuries or discussing the experience. Whatever it looks like for you, it’s important to check in with both yourself and your partner after sex.