Have the Mortality Conversation – Planning for the Future

They say death and taxes are the only inevitables in life and if you have noticed, we talk about only one of the two, taxes. We avoid talking about death in the same way we avoid the bill after a family dinner. We know it is there, and we know we have to address it but no one actually talks about it.

So why don't we? For some, it's a comfort; for others, it's a curse. And unless you're Voldemort himself, this aversion to your death will not result in dramatic situations. It'd simply be the 800-pound angry silverback gorilla in the peripheral of your mind. Perfectly subtle, easily ignorable.

Without angering this very nice gorilla, let's figure out why we actually cannot say the D word in polite company.

A foreword for list lovers, there are no lists here. But there are a few reasons why death gets the historical equivalent of colonisation. It shouldn't be talked about in any way except through memes and Brit jokes. One of the reasons is that we humans are wired for survival and having mortality conversations can feel like staring defeat in the face. It's a bit like buying your own send-off cake – sure, it's tasty and the day will be about you but who wants to do it alone?

And that's exactly why it's hard for many even to comprehend it fully. In death, we are alone. Ironically, it's one of the bitter truths of life.

On top of this existential crisis, culture also plays a role. In some societies, death is a sacred and private affair, shrouded in mystery. Others focus on celebrating life and gloss over death completely, making overly positive declarations- we all remember that coffin dance meme. But as it's proved time and again, avoiding the topic doesn't make it disappear. In fact, it can create confusion, fear, and even worse decisions when death does come knocking.

Before you get ready to break the taboo and sit down for a spot of deadly chat, do you really know what it means to die?

While we're all out here trying to ease the fear of death, biologists are a bit more pragmatic than that. From a cellular standpoint, death is the irreversible termination of all biological functions that give a living organism its “living” status. All it really means is that the things that keep us alive – cellular respiration, metabolism, and organ function – come to a permanent standstill.

The process itself unfolds in stages. After death, cellular activity starts to wind down due to a lack of oxygen and nutrients. Enzymes, the worker bees of our cells, begin to malfunction, leading to the breakdown of cellular structures. This breakdown disrupts the flow of information and vital processes within the cell, ultimately causing organ failure.

Then comes Wednesday Addams’ favorite state of being: Rigor mortis. This stiffening of muscles sets in as cells stiffen due to chemical changes. Autolysis, the self-digestion of tissues by enzymes, kicks in as the body starts to break down from the inside out. Decomposers like bacteria and fungi then take over, accelerating the process of decay and getting the body's components back to the environment.

What is Death: From A Philosopher's Diary

If you are setting out to dismantle the taboo, then it's important to reach some sort of self-awareness about what death means to you. Some schools of thought view death not as the end, but as a natural culmination, another turning point of life, rather than its antithesis.

Eastern philosophies like Hinduism and Buddhism posit the concept of reincarnation. Death is seen as a transition, the shedding of a worn-out body and the soul moving on to another life form. This cycle of rebirth continues until achieving enlightenment, a state of liberation from the cycle.

Stoicism, predominantly misrepresented by masculine manly men who are on Instagram making black-and-white misogynistic quote posts written over a Chad face is, in fact, a Hellenistic philosophy. Contrary to what those men believe, the philosophy itself emphasises simply accepting what is beyond our control. Death is inevitable, so focusing on it is a waste of energy. Instead, true stoics advocate living virtuously and with purpose in the time we have. Death is not the end, but rather the completion of a life well-lived.

Existentialism, on the other hand, deals with the absurdity of life in the face of death. Think Diogenes who busts out a chicken in a court full of philosophers but a bit more clothed. We are free to choose our meaning and values, but that freedom comes with the knowledge of our mortality. The Latin saying Memento Mori literally means “remember you must die”. Not because it's a bad thing but being reminded of what is inevitable, is a great motivator for living in the present, Carpe Diem. Death is not the enemy, but rather the instigator that pushes us to define our meaning in a universe without any inherent purpose at all.

It can also be neither of these and instead, be an actualisation that is completely your own. After coming to an understanding with yourself, It'll be a further step away from treating mortality conversations as taboo since you would have already processed what death means to you.

It's not every day someone can break the effect that taboo subjects like death have over them. One of the reasons is fear. The fear of death, also known as thanatophobia, is a natural human emotion. It is so common that studies suggest that up to a third of adults experience some level of death anxiety. This fear can manifest in various ways, from intrusive thoughts about dying to a general sense of unease about the unknown or a vague aversion to not approaching the topic at all.

So, why are we wired to fear the inevitable? One theory suggests it's an evolutionary adaptation. Fearing death helps us avoid danger and promotes survival. Another theory points to our existential anxieties. Coming to terms with our own mortality can be quite a daunting task. Because it actively forces us to confront questions about the meaning of life and our place in this big universe. Not many can successfully go beyond this stage of anxiousness.

A healthy dose of this is meant as a defense mechanism but in this modern age where mortality rate is significantly lower than what it was, excessive death anxiety can be debilitating. We don't live in caves with a risk of infection. So although entirely evolutionary, this fear in huge doses does the exact opposite of what it was intended to do. It can lead to panic attacks, social withdrawal, and difficulty enjoying life. But much like many other habits, we've developed some resistance and tricks to cope with these thoughts. Here are some of them:

• Confront Your Fears: Breaking the taboo yourself, talking about death with a therapist or counsellor can help you understand and manage anxieties relating to it. The unknown factor is scarier than death itself.

• Find Meaning in Life: Figuring out your values and purpose can provide comfort and perspective in the face of mortality. Living life to the fullest can lessen the fear of it ending prematurely or ending at all.

• Connect with Others: Building strong social connections can make you feel like you belong, offsetting any anxiety about being alone. Social animals that we are, being with people reminds you that you're still alive and Death, although inevitable, is far away.

Think about it: how many awkward conversations have you had about funeral arrangements after a loved one has passed? How many families are left scrambling because no one knew grandma’s favourites for her send-off ceremony?

Asking these uncomfortable questions first can save you a lot of time and energy when it needs to be spent fully grieving your loss. Here are some practical reasons why you should be yapping about death as much as you can even in polite society:

• Unresolved Emotions: Bottling up grief can lead to a longer and more difficult healing process. Talking about death beforehand allows clarity for loved ones too and gives them the space to express their feelings.

• Financial Strain: Surprise medical bills and unplanned funeral costs can put a huge burden on families. Discussing end-of-life wishes, including financial planning and insurance, can help with the burden on both sides. You can be eased by the fact, none of your loved ones will be scrambling to get your affairs in order. Munshi Premchand’s Kafan (1936) presents one of the biggest dichotomies of the post-dead expenses.

• Medical Misunderstandings: Having an advance directive (a living will) that outlines your medical preferences can prevent unnecessary confusions and make sure your wishes are followed.

Okay, we'll admit that talking plainly about death is hella depressive and brings the mood down. Even after some serious self-awareness journey, it's not something you talk about over morning tea. Here are some Kofuku tips to get the conversation flowing (without freaking everyone out):

• Find the Right Time and Place: Don't spring a death chat on auntie over Shivratri dinner. Pick a relaxed moment when everyone is focused and receptive. Maybe during a family gathering or a quiet evening at home. The conversation is personal and intimate, so make sure the environment reflects that.

• Start Small: Don't immediately do a death drop, pun unintended. Begin with lighter topics like favorite memories of deceased relatives or your thoughts on organ donation. The trick is to ease them into the aftermath because your death is something that will happen to your loved ones. It's important to understand the sensitivity of it.

• Use Humor (Carefully): A light joke can show you're not afraid to address the topic. Think clever one-liners, not morbid jokes. Although if that's how you roll, then go for it but be aware of your audience too. Telling your grandma “I'll be right behind you, don't worry” is definitely not the right move (trust us on this one.)

• Embrace Openness and Respect: This is a conversation, not a lecture. Listen to each other's thoughts and feelings, even if they differ from yours. Especially the legal and practical aspects of it can be quite a headache, but it's always better to have an honest talk about it.

The Construction of Social Reality (1995) by John Searle says that you only exist if someone calls your name. With existence itself interpreted differently among people, it's no wonder that death is the same.

These differing ideas of what death really is can only be accepted and understood the more we talk about it. And in turn, it opens us to a world where we don't feel alone about it. Even in death, we'll feel love and contentment because we've had a defining mortality conversation with our loved ones. We've all sat down and embraced death like an old friend.

By talking openly and honestly about death, we can take away its power to scare and surprise us. We can make informed decisions, easing the fear of it and the resulting burden on our loved ones. Even find some peace with the inevitable. So, next time you gather with friends and family, consider starting a conversation about death. You might be surprised at how liberating it can be!