What happens when lending an ear gets you the van Gogh treatment? Well, trauma dumping, metaphorically, is something very similar. We are almost always encouraging people to share their mental health struggles, and rightly so! Studies have shown people who could share struggles have fared better in their battles.
However, one thing we almost always overlook is the listener. We tend to take the listener for granted, as if they are some almighty entity who can deal with anything without repercussions. But in reality, when people share their trauma with someone, it sometimes triggers their own trauma.
Basically, your friend starts telling you about their rough breakup and you are sitting there like that dog who’s entire room is burning, having suffered something similar yourself. This notion is called trauma-dumping.
Does that mean, your friends can’t tell you about their problems without triggering your memories? Do you have to always feel guilty before sharing your struggle? Let’s find out!
Let’s be clear - talking about trauma is not the problem. In fact, talking about your feelings is super important for your mental well-being or healing. But when someone unloads their deepest darkest pain onto another person, especially without consent or warning, that’s trauma dumping. And it can feel overwhelming on both sides.
You might think of it as a simple word but it's much more complex. Trauma dumping can be a gateway for retraumatisation or vicarious trauma.
Vicarious trauma is the process of empathetically engaging with trauma survivors, which leads to trauma.
For example, you’re home from college or work and just want to nap, but suddenly there’s this continuous ringing of your phone or notifications. You pick it up to see and find yourself bombarded with 15-liner messages from your friends, all at once talking about their family problems, work, and love life. (A disclaimer would have been nice?)
It exhausts you and your mental well-being because at that point in your life you may not be feeling so great either.
Now let’s get to the gritty part, why does this happen?
Most of the time they do not realise it’s happening and what is triggering them to do so, but the common reasons are probably because they’re drowning in their own emotions and need to let it all out, lacking healthy coping tools like therapy, mistaking friends as therapist/ counselor, validation, manipulation or fear of rejection for not being authentic enough.
Being very real, trauma dumping can happen anywhere, school, college, workplace or even at home! The one place where we need peace or at least expect it.
Chances are you haven’t noticed it yet, but don't worry we got you! Here are some curated signs you can check for yourself if you’ve been a trauma dumper or a listener.
Sharing sensitive information without warning or consent, or not acknowledging if they can even talk about such details.
Dominating the conversation with past traumatic events and not letting the other person speak.
Shutting the other person when they share their insights because you are done from your side.
Restating the same information repetitively in every conversation.
The other person is clearly uncomfortable with the topic.
Ignoring advice given by family and friends.
Avoiding meeting the therapist but continuing the trauma dump with strangers on dates.
Regretting opening up or confiding in them.
According to a recent study on TikTok's impact, two major themes were instructional videos and personal story videos. These videos received 296.6 million likes, showing that users find them interesting.
Despite many videos featuring highly distressing stories that young people and those with trauma may view, only 3.7% of them included trigger warnings. This has triggered vicarious trauma for multiple frontline workers who usually deal with trauma by sweeping it under the rug.
Whether you like it or not, social media has become a breeding ground for trauma dumping. There is even a term used for it called “sadfishing” where people post personal stories and then ask for opinions.
Most of the time, this creates an emotional connection without the fear of being recognised or validated. But, just like the two sides of a coin, there are good and bad sides. The good thing is with these random outbursts of trauma dumping people get different opinions which make them view things differently, a new perspective!
And the bad part? The video is accessible to children or pre-teens just trying to figure out life. Endless trauma-dumping or Sadfishing might create preconceived notions about situations they have never lived, thus limiting their experiences.
Is It Done Intentionally?
Not all the time. Most people who trauma dump aren’t trying to be harmful. They’re in pain and desperate for connection. There will always be the clout-chasers who would intentionally trauma dump for likes, shares, Karma.
But even unintentional dumping can still be overwhelming. This is why learning solutions help both the dumper and the listener.
“Every action has an equal and opposite action,” you know this obvious phrase, but what if I tell you that it applies the same for trauma dumping as well. When a person starts expressing themselves out of nowhere, there are unintentional consequences of trauma dumping.
Transferring the emotional burden
Retraumatisation
Isolation
Relationship strain
Handling trauma whether as a speaker or listener can be challenging and requires a lot of patience and care. Here are some steps to handle it like a champ!
Listener’s end
Setting boundaries - When you’re on the receiving end of the trauma, always listen empathetically. It is not their fault they underwent such a tragic event, but the circumstances led to it. Be mindful and respectful but also maintain boundaries for your health.
Suggest professional help - “This sounds heavy and I think talking to a therapist might help you process it better than I can.”
Because let's face it, we are not qualified enough to handle their emotions.
Speaker’s end (the sharer/dumper)
Pause and check in - “Hey, is now a good time to talk?” Don't just bombard them with information at 1 am or when they’re stressed with their own things.
Healthier options - This will sound so cringey to some, but I’m a Pinterest girlie, and it's all about affirmations. Try journaling, therapy, or creative expression; they can help process feelings better before they flood out on a random Monday morning.
Understand boundaries - As mentioned earlier, try to minimise oversharing because friends can support you but cannot be the one (and shouldn’t) to carry your emotional burden.
In all seriousness, trauma dumping doesn’t make a person evil. It just means they need better tools or outlets to manage their pain and relationships. If you’re shy about going to clinics alone, seek online therapy.
Oversharing can strain your relationship, and keeping it bottled like a can of soda waiting for outburst would lead you to have anxiety, depression or other forms of health issues. By recognising the causes and practicing healthier communication, we can foster a more supportive and creative space for anyone struggling with it.
Is trauma dumping the same as venting?
Not really, venting is when you share your frustrations and emotions after a rough day with your friend. It's more of a steaming off session and you ask for their consent “Can I vent for a while?” Whereas trauma dumping is you go about sharing personal events without acknowledging if they are ok hearing about it.
What are the signs of trauma dumping?
The most common signs are sharing personal information with strangers or to friends without consent, repeating traumatic events in every conversation, interrupting when the other person shares their opinion, ignoring the advice, and at the same time regretting oversharing.
Is trauma dumping toxic?
It doesn’t automatically become toxic, but it can become harmful if done repeatedly or without respect for the other person’s boundaries. You may not realise, but bringing up the same topic may cause retraumatisation to people.
How do I overcome trauma dumping?
Seek out professional help, don’t rely on your friends and family. If you feel your conversations make people uncomfortable, apologise to them. Try healthier solutions like therapy or hobbies and practice checking in before sharing.
How do I say no to someone who is trauma dumping?
Always remember to be kind and that you are your own person. It’s nice to hear them and be empathetic, but that doesn’t mean you should brush off your boundaries because they are your loved ones.
Your mental health is equally important, and if their trauma dumping is taking a toll on your way of perceiving things, stop them and tell them how you feel.
