Discipline-focused Parenting Does Not Equal Good Parenting

In India, it's very easy to dismiss what is and isn't harmful when it comes to discipline-focused parenting. The dynamic between a parent and child is seeped with too much generational trauma to be tender and nurturing. Parents largely take on the role of reality checkers; they feel it is their responsibility to deliver the harsh truths of life in harsh ways.

Although many people may say there is no right way to parent a child, a few ‘don'ts’ need to be considered.

We've all heard about the wonders of Asian parenting. Objectively, Asian parenting includes a good amount of child abuse and implementing social rules that make no rhythm or rhyme. The stereotype exists because the children grow up to internalise and further normalise it. Most of the ones making jokes about getting beaten as a child are these victimised children themselves.

A parent's need to "have" children for many reasons does not help with treating the child as another human being—one that has vastly different needs than a grown adult. So, these confusing phenomena are treated for a better part of their lives, like a car, house, or investment. Discipline-focused parenting becomes more like getting a dog to do tricks or sit and behave when they're told. The fleeting sense of power over a being that's mostly always out of control is also a factor.

In the name of tradition, Indian parents still dole out corporal punishments like candies. Elizabeth Gershoff, professor of Human Development and Families Sciences, says, "Hitting a child is a failure of the adult in many ways."

So, contextualising and internalising what parenting means to an Indian would be the hard part here. All a child has to do is exist. It's the responsibility of a parent to love, nurture, guide, and discipline them selflessly. Sadly, many forget and/or underestimate this selfless part.

If you've asked yourself whether you're a good parent at least once and sat with that question to ruminate, then you've already done more than most parents. Adults often tend to forget that they, too, are still learning, and they, too, need time to process things. Grown-up is a woefully inadequate term for entering adulthood. It feels final and thus wrong.

So, if you can admit to yourself that you can sometimes learn many things from your kid, then there you go. Give yourself a golden star because admitting that is what a good parent does. Do you love your child? Unconditionally, with no expectations at all. Ready to face the possibility of zero gratitude for being the best parent you could ever be. Then, add another star!

Good parenting largely involves being a decent human being with an added dose of nurturing tendencies. Think about it: Would you hit a person for making mistakes on the first day of your job? This is this kid's first time being a human! They don't know that they can't run across oncoming traffic, and they don't know they can't yell at a restaurant.

Reframing how you see the child can greatly impact how you treat them. Expecting both naïve innocence and trained obedience from a child is cruel and illogical.

Research shows different types of parenting and their effects on children. You can take these as a basic guideline rather than an absolute rule. It's important to change what doesn't work for your child and be ready to workshop new methods instead of sticking to one type.

We've all been children—confused and angered at rules that made no sense. They all seemed pointless to follow because no one took the time or care to explain why they existed. The hubris of treating children as "dumb, driven cattle" comes back to bite the parents when they ultimately refuse to follow any boundary that's set for them.

Treating children respectfully and indulging their naturally curious minds is the way to go. One thing about children is that they're constantly looking to learn. They want to know about this big world they've just been dropped into. Everything fascinates them. Teaching them that though everything looks shiny and bright, touching fire will burn their fingers is part of responsible parenting. Holistic parenting involves support and teaching, not just discipline and rules.

The child's brand new view gives you a fresh perspective on seeing the world. By guiding them through the routine of life, you pass on an essential part of your heredity. The true meaning of continuing culture lies here, where the child can taste-test the Sambhar or play games on the streets with other kids from different walks of life. And in no time, a community is found.

Part of being a good parent is knowing what your child needs and when. Of course, the usual food and shelter are given. But beyond that, a child's emotional needs are just as important. Knowing when to soothe and when to give some space will come in handy for a parent. Much like their physical development, like walking, vocalising, and grabbing their emotional development must also be nurtured and encouraged. This is why just disciplining them with rules and orders will not work.

You help them grow emotionally healthy through many personalised ways, but some of the more foundational ways to do it are:

• Building a supportive and loving environment can help children develop resilience and the ability to process and overcome challenges and adversity.

• Having a strong emotional bond with your partner lays the foundation for other healthy relationships in the future. Parental relationships are often the example by which many approach love, so it's important to make sure they're strong and healthy.

• Children who feel loved, valued, and supported are more likely to develop a positive self-image.

• A nurturing environment can help prevent the development of mental health problems in children, especially Adverse Childhood Experiences.

While the children need to feel loved and accepted, regardless of their behaviour, they also need to understand that clear boundaries and expectations exist for a reason. In solely discipline-focused parenting, this balance is not possible. By understanding your child's perspective and empathising with their feelings, you can teach them that mistakes are part of life and that forgiveness can help them develop healthy relationships.

Most of all, children learn by observing their parents. So, "do as I say, not as I do" will not work on them. Modelling positive behaviour is the only way to ensure their development is healthy and happy.

There is a School of Life video titled 'A Test to Judge How Good Your Parents Were' that says, "Love is the considerate, tender, hugely patient behaviour displayed by an adult over many years towards a child who cannot help but be largely out of control, confused, frustrating and bewildered. So that it might, over time, grow into an adult who can take its place in society, without too much of a loss of spontaneity, without too much terror and with a basic trust in its own capabilities and chances of fulfilment."

Parenting is not about getting your children to be well-behaved. It's, in fact, about giving them the tools and independence to understand and recognise where and when they need to be well-behaved and what that entails. It's about giving them a bit of power in a largely uncontrolled setting to make them feel just a bit more human. Parenting is about respecting your children and understanding that they're in a vulnerable position, and it's their responsibility to make it as less scary as possible for them.

You are the cycle breakers for the new and old parents who are reading this blog. Do it for the kid you never got to be. And do it for the parent that your kid will turn out to be.