Good Girl Syndrome: What It Is and How to Overcome It

After a lot of forethought and deliberation, I finally convinced myself to go get a tattoo. It was a rite of passage of sorts, albeit quite late into adulthood. I knew what I wanted and where I wanted it. I asked a friend to come along - we were going to make a day out of it.

However, the tattoo artist had different ideas. He told me I should definitely get a bigger tattoo—the size I wanted was way too small. The astonishing fact was that I was unable to say no. I tried, but he seemed to know better. Suddenly, I did not know if I knew what I wanted. A little voice in my head kept saying that I should not want to inconvenience him. All I could think about was it would be easier if I just went along with it.

It was only when my friend stepped in that I was aware of what was happening. She asked me clearly what I wanted and was stern with the tattoo artist. It was only then that I realised I was willing to permanently ink my body based on someone else’s wishes, just to avoid causing them any inconvenience.

The episode left me reeling. I knew I had a tendency to say yes to things, even when I wanted to say no, and this was something I was desperately trying to change. I felt frustrated with myself. It wasn't until later that I realised I needed to be more patient with myself. Unlearning years of "good" behaviour would take time, and I couldn't expect change to happen overnight. Self-awareness was the first step. I was determined to do better.

The “good girl syndrome” is not a scientific term. It’s not recognised in the medical community. It’s possible you came across the term while scrolling social media.

But what is it?

It is a behavioural pattern that, while not limited to any particular gender, primarily affects women. Typically, it is a learned behaviour, shaped during childhood through the reinforcement of certain actions by caregivers, who reward or expect specific behaviors.

From acting in a certain manner to please others, avoiding conflict, and being overly agreeable to seeking external validation, these patterns become deeply ingrained in us during our formative years.

In 2004, Lois P Frankel wrote a bestselling book called “Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office”. It spoke about how women, due to their intrinsic need to “act nice” and please people, often make unconscious mistakes in the workplace that inevitably hurt their careers.

From an early age, women are taught to not be loud. Say it in a pleasing tone. Smile. No, you can’t raise your voice. That is not very ‘demure’. And this is just good old societal expectation.

You are the eldest daughter of a family of five. You have taken care of your siblings from a young age. It was almost an unspoken understanding that since you are older, you are more responsible and hence equipped to look after your younger siblings. You took on the role with enthusiasm from an early age.

But you are 27 now. You have gotten a job offer from a different city, but you are hesitant to take it. The youngest is still in college and doesn’t seem too motivated to take his career seriously. You don’t want to leave your parents alone to deal with him. Even though this job sounds like a dream come true, you want to refuse it. You feel guilt-stricken.

It is possible that you have internalised this kind of behaviour but are unaware of it. But there are tell-tale signs -

Seeking approval

You want to appease everyone. Your sense of self is completely dependent on external validation. Your actions depend on how much they would probably please the other person. What if they dislike you? What if you are criticised? That is unthinkable.

Avoiding conflicts

You are scared of disagreements. You want everyone to get along. You fear disagreements and just want everyone to get along. The thought of disagreeing with someone and causing them to get annoyed with you is overwhelming. It feels easier to simply conform.

Living up to expectations

You do not want to disappoint others. You may see yourself only how others see you. This is again something that shows early on in life when you feel you need to be perfect. You are afraid to make mistakes. You try to perform extraordinarily well in everything you do so you can get validation through your various accomplishments.

Unable to voice your opinions

You are on a road trip. Someone is blasting music that you simply do not enjoy. Your head hurts. But you keep quiet. You do not want to be an inconvenience. Everyone in the car is requesting music that each of them likes. But suddenly, you cannot find your voice. When we are too nice,we ultimately put ourselves in the backseat.

Ignoring your needs over others

It’s difficult for you to speak up for yourself. What we are inevitably doing is restricting ourselves - from truly being ourselves. Our needs are every bit as valid as anyone else’s. Find a way to quieten that voice that tells you otherwise.

You grew up in a family where you felt you had to walk on eggshells. You knew that any intense reaction could trigger one or more of your caregivers, so you learned to suppress your emotions out of fear. This may have been due to their emotional dysregulation, which made you feel responsible for pacifying them. From a very early age, you began to take accountability for your actions, always careful with your words and behaviour—even at home, especially at home.

Also, children are highly attuned to the behaviour around them. When they see certain actions rewarded and others criticised, they gradually internalise these responses.

In Indian households, there is often a different underlying reason that instils the value of "niceness". We watch our mothers toil endlessly, juggling multiple responsibilities without ever complaining. We're constantly told to be on our best behaviour, never talk back, help around the house, and also to study hard and get good grades. We're taught to always work hard, never say no, and do it all with a smile.

A child growing up in this environment learns that the only way to be loved and accepted is by being ‘nice’. This is the only way they feel safe. When they grow up and enter the real world, this is the only armour they have - the only way they know how to behave. They understand that love can be conditional, and this thought terrifies them.

Have boundaries

Learn to establish healthy boundaries with people. Your co-workers do not need to know every detail of your personal life. Learn to say no to plans that you do not feel comfortable with or simply are in no mood to attend. You can still be nice without compromising your needs, your self-esteem and ultimately your mental health.

Do not catastrophise

Ask yourself if that conflict that you think would take place really be so bad. Would people really hate you if you asked for what you needed?

Instead of conforming, try confronting

It’s okay to have a disagreement. You can stand up for yourself without fear of judgement. We do not need to always diminish ourselves so we can accommodate others.

Validate your feelings

It is okay to feel your feelings. Anger, guilt, frustration, loneliness, resentment or sadness. It is okay to feel all of these emotions. You do not have to suppress your feelings just so that it does not inconvenience someone else.

Not everyone is going to like you and that is okay

You cannot please everyone, and honestly, it's not your job to. You are only answerable to yourself.

Imagine this. A game of survival by collecting coins. How to get the coins? By getting approval. What a sad way to live. What a restrictive way to live.

There is no harm in being nice. In being a good girl. As long as it does not harm you. Being empathetic and taking into account other people’s feelings are not weaknesses. You can still be good and yet have boundaries for yourself.

When we constantly censor ourselves—whether it's withholding our desires, speaking in ways that aren't authentic, or avoiding saying no out of fear—we limit our own potential. When we tie our self-worth to making others happy, our own needs are neglected. The constant fear of criticism or rejection takes a heavy toll on our mental health. While we may have learned these behaviours as coping mechanisms to stay safe, they end up restricting us, preventing us from fully experiencing life.

Rejection and failure are just as much a part of life as approval and appreciation.